The Leadership Lesson I Learned While Watching My Grandsons Fight

"Mom, can you go see what's going on?"

I often hear those words when my daughter Lorena visits with my grandsons.

Usually one has taken a toy from the other and someone starts to protest. Sometimes there's a shove or two. Lorena, immediately senses that things might be escalating and asks me to check on them.

My response is usually different. "They'll be fine."

That answer probably says as much about me as it does about the boys.

Lorena and I have a wonderful relationship, but we've noticed we have different thresholds for intervention. When she leaves the boys with me, she reminds me, "Make sure they don't fight." I smile and assure her I will. We both know what that means. 😉

I'll step in if I need to—but probably a little later than she would.

Why the Different Perspective?

Watching this dynamic unfold shows that we’re not just responding differently to the same situation, we’re seeing it through different life experiences.

As the oldest of seven children, I grew up surrounded by sibling disagreements. Toys were shared, borrowed, grabbed, and fought over. Feelings got hurt, tempers flared, but five minutes later, someone suggested a new game, and life moved on.

Looking back, I think that's where my confidence came from. I'd seen enough sibling disagreements to know that most of them eventually worked themselves out. Not all of them, of course. There are moments when an adult must step in immediately to protect a child from harm. But many disagreements simply need time. Children negotiate, apologize, and eventually discover where the boundaries are. They learn that actions have consequences, because they experience the lessons.

Lorena grew up in a different generation than I did, and she's raising children in a world that sends parents a very different message. Today's parents are encouraged to monitor closely, intervene early, and protect children from emotional distress whenever possible. Those messages come from a place of love, and many of them have deepened our understanding of what children need emotionally.

Still, I sometimes wonder whether in trying to protect children, we occasionally protect them from the very experiences that help them grow.

Developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind described what researchers continue to consider the healthiest parenting style: authoritative parenting. Unlike authoritarian parenting, which relies heavily on control, or permissive parenting, which offers warmth without enough structure, authoritative parents combine clear expectations with emotional support while gradually increasing a child's independence.

That distinction matters, because children don't simply need boundaries. They need boundaries that are clear & consistent, paired with the freedom to develop confidence in their own abilities.

Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt has made a similar argument from another perspective. He suggests that today's children have fewer opportunities for unsupervised play and age-appropriate risk than previous generations. Those ordinary moments, such as negotiating the rules of a game, resolving an argument, deciding what's fair, aren't interruptions to childhood. They are childhood. They are where resilience, judgment, empathy, and problem-solving begin to develop.

Watching my grandsons, I see this play out. When I wait a little longer before intervening, something interesting usually happens. The older one realizes he's pushed too far. The younger one finds a way to negotiate. Sometimes they both simply lose interest and move on.

Nine times out of ten, they solve the problem themselves.

If I had stepped in at the first raised voice, what lesson would they have learned? Perhaps only that adults solve conflicts. Instead, they're slowly discovering that they can solve many conflicts themselves.

Sometimes The Same Thing Happens at Work

I've had more than one leader tell me they sometimes feel like a referee. One employee walks into the office with a complaint, and before they've even had time to process it, another employee arrives with a completely different version of the story. Pretty soon, the manager feels responsible for untangling every disagreement on the team.

Over the years, I've noticed that most leaders lean toward one of two extremes. Some step in almost immediately because they want to help, keep the peace, or prevent the situation from getting worse. Others hesitate, hoping the employees will work it out on their own. Unfortunately, neither approach is consistently effective.

When we intervene too quickly, people begin to rely on us to solve problems they could have handled themselves. When we wait too long, small misunderstandings can harden into damaged relationships.

The real challenge is recognizing the moment when our involvement helps people grow instead of making them more dependent. Maybe the issue isn't intervention at all. Maybe it's timing.

The Intervention Spectrum

As I think about it, I see that this isn't a parenting issue or a leadership issue. It's a human issue. Whether we're raising children, coaching employees, or leading teams, we're constantly making decisions about when to step in. I see those decisions as a spectrum.

I think of it as a spectrum. Step in too soon, and what we're really communicating is "I don't think you can handle this," which tends to produce dependence and less initiative over time. Wait too long, and the message becomes "you're on your own," which lets conflict escalate and trust erode. Somewhere in the middle is the sweet spot, where what we communicate is "I believe you can work through this, and I'm here if you need me." That's the message that builds confidence and better judgment.

Untangling Tips

The next time you're tempted to jump into someone else's conflict, whether at home or at work, try pausing long enough to ask yourself three questions.

• Am I stepping in because this person truly needs my help, or because I'm uncomfortable watching them struggle?

• Is this a situation that requires protection, or is it an opportunity for growth?

• If I intervene right now, what am I teaching this person about their ability to solve problems on their own?

Sometimes the greatest gift we can give people isn't the solution. It's the confidence that they already have the ability to find one.

One Last Thought...

I still smile when Lorena reminds me to make sure the boys don't fight.

She knows I'll do my best. I know I'll probably wait a little longer than she would.

Neither of us is trying to be a better parent or grandmother. We're simply bringing different life experiences to the same moment, and those experiences shape how quickly we believe we need to step in.

Maybe leadership isn't all that different.

From the Untangling Communication series — reflections drawn from my work with leaders and the ideas explored in my book, Untangling Communication: How Leaders Can Strengthen Communication, Resolve Conflict, and Build High-Performing Teams. Available on Amazon.

If this newsletter sparked a thought or reminded you of a similar experience, I'd love to hear about it. Find me on LinkedIn or reply directly.