When Your Brain Hits the Panic Button: The Hidden Driver Behind Conflict at Work
I wish I could say this story paints me in a flattering light.
Ummm…It doesn’t.
Years ago, in Mexico City, I was merging onto a highway when an SUV cut me off so sharply I had to slam the brakes. My heart jumped, my irritation spiked, and before I knew it…I reacted. I sped up, passed him, cut him off right back, and hit the brakes.
I know. Not my finest moment.
Things escalated quickly. He cut me off again. Then he stopped his car on the highway, got out, and started walking toward me. Adrenaline flooded my system. My stomach dropped. I thought I might have to use my karate.
But then — something unexpected happened.
His angry face seemed to be a mirror of mine and I think he saw it too, because he just looked at me and something in his expression shifted.
He didn’t yell, he just said, “Señora, you cut in front of me.”
I said, “Yes, señor… I just wanted you to see how it felt.”
Our courtesy sounded strange considering what had just happened.
And then he sighed and just walked away.
I wasn’t proud, but I was very aware. The moment his humanity showed up, my anger melted into embarrassment, then clarity. I wasn’t reacting to him. I was reacting to everything I had been carrying that week: stress, exhaustion, emotion, and a brain that went into full survival mode.
It was my amygdala. And it hijacked me.
How this Story Applies to Leaders
That same reaction — the emotional hijack — happens at work all the time.
Not on the highway (hopefully), but in meetings, emails, feedback conversations, and cross-functional projects where something gets misinterpreted or someone feels disrespected.
Here’s the science:
When we perceive a threat — even an emotional one like being talked over or receiving a blunt comment — the amygdala reacts before the rational brain has time to process.
We feel first, think later.
And the “threats” in modern work look like:
A colleague dismissing your idea
A direct report sending an irritable message
A leader giving feedback that hits a nerve
Someone taking credit for your work
A stakeholder writing a sharp email at 4:55pm
None of these are physical dangers, but your brain responds like they are.
In those moments, your pulse spikes, your reasoning shrinks, your empathy disappears, and the story you tell yourself becomes the only story, just like my highway moment.
The Quiet Ingredient Missing in Most Conflicts: Empathy
When I run conflict sessions with teams, I always ask one question:
“What could the other person have been thinking or feeling?”
That’s usually followed by silence.
Then discomfort.
Then something softens.
Because most people never ask this. They only analyze how they were affected.
But once they consider the other person’s reality — stress, pressure, confusion, insecurity, grief, overload — everything changes. The room actually feels different.
Stephen Covey illustrated this famously with the father on the subway whose children were misbehaving… until you learn he had just come from the hospital where their mother had died.
Perspective is humbling, and it’s powerful.
Untangling Tips: How Leaders Keep the Amygdala From Running the Meeting
Here are a few simple practices you can weave into your leadership this month:
1. Catch the surge.
If your body reacts before your words do, pause.
Your nervous system is giving you a warning: “Don’t send that email yet.”
2. Ask yourself: “What story am I telling?”
Often the story in our head is just that — a story.
It’s rarely the full truth.
3. Give the other person a possible story too.
What might they be dealing with?
Stress? Family issues? Pressure from above?
This one shift alone lowers the temperature dramatically.
4. Switch channels if needed.
If tension is rising through email or chat, move to voice or video.
Tone is your ally.
5. Don’t avoid the conflict — just approach it with curiosity.
Unresolved conflict grows roots.
A curious conversation uproots it.
Why This Matters for Teams
A moment of reactivity can damage trust.
A moment of empathy can rebuild it.
Teams don’t remember every decision a leader makes, but they remember how it felt to be in the room. When emotion runs unchecked, people pull back, withhold, or escalate quietly. When leaders regulate themselves first, something else happens: conversations slow down, assumptions loosen, and trust has space to re-enter. That’s how teams stay functional even when the topic is hard.
Awareness is the work. The rest follows.
(From the “Untangling Communication” series — focused on real conversations leaders are navigating every day)
