When Perfection Gets in the Way of Trust
I still remember those afternoons at the sports club when my kids were little.
They’d disappear into the pool with the other children, and the mothers would gather nearby, half-watching, half-exhaling. Conversations drifted easily—stories about our kids, frustrations with our spouses, the small, messy realities of daily life.
Renata was the best. She’d joke about her awful parenting style as she dealt with her exasperating son, or share the latest tiff with her husband. She would have us laughing out loud because we could see ourselves reflected in her confessions. It was so easy to connect. We could see her authenticity, and in seeing her, we felt more comfortable being seen ourselves.
But then there was “Leah”. Leah always smiled, laughed, and listened. But when it came time to share, she stayed on the surface. Everything in her world was perfect. Uh huh.
I remember wondering about that. Not judging, exactly— (well, maybe a little), but really noticing the distance it created. It wasn’t that she said anything wrong. It was what she didn’t say.
Over time, the dynamic became clear. The three of us who were open and admitted we were tired, frustrated, sometimes overwhelmed, grew close. Those conversations turned into real friendships that lasted for years.
Leah, meanwhile, remained on the outside. And eventually, she drifted away.
The Leadership Lens
In the teams I work with, I often see a version of Leah. Leaders who keep things polished, controlled and professional.
On the surface, it works because the conversations stay efficient. There’s no discomfort or risk. But something’s missing.
Trust doesn’t build in perfectly managed interactions, but rather in moments where people feel they’re getting something real.
This is what Patrick Lencioni describes as vulnerability-based trust. It doesn’t mean oversharing or turning the workplace into a therapy session. It’s actually something much simpler.
Admitting you don’t have the answer.
Acknowledging a concern.
Saying, “I might be wrong here…”
Or even, “That didn’t land the way I intended.”
These small moments shift how people relate to you. Ultimately, when a leader takes that step, it quietly gives permission for others to do the same. And that’s where things change, because conversations become more honest.
Feedback becomes easier to give and receive and collaboration feels less guarded.
Untangling Tips
Let people see a little more of the process
You don’t need to present everything as fully figured out. Sharing a doubt or a question often creates more connection than a polished answer.
Name impact, not just outcomes
Saying “This left me concerned” or “I wasn’t sure how to interpret that” opens the door to dialogue without putting the other person on the defensive.
Go first
If you want openness, model it. Most teams don’t lack willingness—they lack a signal that it’s safe.
A Closing Reflection
Vulnerability isn’t about laying it all out there. It’s about saying something real.
Because in the end, people don’t build trust around perfection. They build it around what feels human.
From the Untangling Communication series — reflections drawn from my work with leaders and the ideas explored in my book, Untangling Communication: How Leaders Can Strengthen Communication, Resolve Conflict, and Build High-Performing Teams. Available on Amazon.